WRITING COMPETITIONS

Delirium

WARNING: At the end of this story, two people will never be the same.

Submission to Round 1 of the 2023 500-word Fiction Story Competition for NYC Midnight. Feedback below.

Themed parties happened weekly in Willow Creek. Palmer decided on their costumes, two escapees from Alcatraz. When Alice arrived, she saw Nick flirting with Palmer and let them be. She found her way to the drink table and a large hand covered hers as she grabbed a can.

“Prisoner 234, huh? And what a way to die, bitten on the ass by a shark,” Jasper said, his brows raised when she wiggled the toy glued to her.

She smiled up at him. “You like?”

“I do,” he replied, his eyes roaming over the rest of her. “You excited about college?”

Alice nodded. “More than. I can’t wait to get out of this town.”

Palmer pulled Alice away and into the crowd of sweating bodies. Jasper headed to the back door with something hidden in his waistband. He held the door open for Sydney. She watched them disappear into the night.

She stumbled to the door that led to the back patio. Her hands cupped over her eyes as she peered through the darkness, trying to see them. A sinister feeling stirred in her gut.

Her footsteps were light despite the jangle of a broken cuff on her ankle. She turned the corner further from the strobing lights. It was there, in the darkness, that she made eye contact with a frantic, bloodied face. She moved to the floor where Sydney lay with a knife in her neck. Her hands became wet as she felt a slowing pulse. Sydney had worn a black and yellow bandana. Alice saw no bandana.

She screamed for help and some party-goers rushed outside to see what the commotion was about, Jasper included. Her confusion felt like a wave of poison. He was smiling at the outcome in her arms. Palmer and Nick came to her side, pulling Sydney off of her and onto the grass.

She looked in the crowd and saw a flash of Sydney’s bandana slip out of the group. Alice ran for it. She had questions Jasper had answers to.

“Jasper,” she cried. She recognized no faces, her vision blurring. Someone bumped into her and she turned to ask, “Did you see Jasper leave?”

“Who? Is that actual blood?”

Alice ignored them as she ran through the house. Just as her feet landed on the porch out front, she saw Jasper’s car swerving away and followed. Her car started with a rumble, and the alcohol in her system flooded her head. The steering wheel slipped in her hand as she turned to escape the line of cars. She made it to the open road.

Alice never realized the dangers following her. Police lights flickered behind her. Perfect, she thought. They would help her catch him.

“Ma’am, have you been drinking tonight?”

She gulped. “Please, listen to me. He killed her, he did!”

The man shook his head. “There is no one on the road out here but you. We got multiple calls from a party that your car fled a crime scene.”

Liked: A confidently written piece with plenty of narrative tension throughout. Some lovely subtlety in the interactions between characters – I particularly liked ‘I do,” he replied, his eyes roaming over the rest of her’.

Disliked: I was a little confused by the logistics of the opening: if Palmer decides on their costumes, this suggests to the reader that he and the other member of the ‘two escapees’ are most likely getting ready together as they have joint costumes. As such, learning that Alice arrived separately feels a little jarring – which isn’t the best way for your reader to begin the piece.

Liked: This story has a great pace, structure, and interesting details. I love the image of the prisoner of Alcatraz costume with the shark toy glued to the ass. The dialogue is great throughout, especially the productive “Who? Is that actual blood?” The ending lands well.

Disliked: I was confused by the series of events, and the introduction of five characters in quick succession, that lead to Alice finding Sydney with a knife in her neck. I think there should be some way of indicating how time is passing between paragraphs so that there’s a gap indicated between “she watched them disappear into the night” and “She stumbled to the door…”