Forgotten
A woman is haunted when two dates clash.
Submission to Round 2 of the 2023 500-word Fiction Story Competition for NYC Midnight. Feedback below.
The halls felt smaller to Auden, despite the lack of children. She kept her steps light, hoping to avoid conversation with the few faculty that remained. There was a lot going through her mind after her date last night, and having a meaningless chat with a coworker sounded dull.
What she didn’t find dull, however, was being alone in the copy room. Two photocopiers occupied the space, surrounded by packaged paper and supplies. She rubbed at her sore cheeks, reminiscing on the way the straw in her drink poked Cole’s nose when she offered him some. Cole was the first man she went out with since her late husband. She liked his goofy laugh.
A light in the hallway outside the glass door flickered and dimmed. Auden never saw the slight change. The thermometer on the outside of the door dropped a few degrees. Her sweater kept her warm in the cold building; she never felt it. She yanked open the paper cassette and loaded another stack of white, fresh paper into the bin.
She noticed the change of scent. A hint of smoke slithered through the stale air. Auden figured it was the smell of burnt bagel sneaking in from the lounge. She clicked the staple, double-side, and hole-punch buttons on the screen before hitting print.
The paper clip container fell from the shelf. Scissors fell off the table, landing beside her open-toed shoe. Auden noticed both but thought better of her reader’s imagination.
Her arms went rigid when she looked at the finished copies. Not one of the thirty-two worksheets came out right. Auden blinked back the shock of seeing a black and white blown-up photo of Cole’s hand wrapped comfortably around her shoulders as he sipped from her shake.
“Is someone out there? How did you get this?” Auden asked, her heart racing despite the calm nature of her tone.
A drop of black fell on the carpet. Her shaking fingers flipped through the thirty-two pages of their grinning faces and stopped at the last page. A wet substance spread across the hand she used to hold the paper. She turned the picture over and read the scribbled message made with too much ink.
YOU FORGOT ME. FOR HIM?
Auden shrieked when the realization struck. She ran back to her empty classroom, leaving the few copies she made scattered on her desk, and jerked her purse over her shoulder. The ten-year-old car she drove rattled on the way home; she had never driven twenty over the speed limit before.
When she arrived at her house, she skipped the steps by two and stumbled into the main bedroom before stopping at an urn placed on her dresser. She thought about him daily…until she didn’t. To go on a date last night? She’d never forgive herself.
Auden held the urn against her chest as she sobbed, “I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry. Happy late anniversary, babe.”
The unplugged lamp on his side of the bed twinkled at her words.
Liked: This story had such an unsettling and sad premise. I was fascinated by the idea of a husband’s ghost being enraged and jealous of the wife having a date with a new man. The message from the husband felt very threatening, and I liked the way this propelled the story forwards as Auden fled the school building. I thought the ending was so sad – it felt oddly disturbing as we saw her apologize to her husband’s urn, pleasing him, yet tying her into a life of being haunted by a dead man, unable to move on and find love or companionship. A fascinating ending – you left the reader with a lot of questions about love and loyalty.
Disliked: I noticed that at times you tended to explain things to the reader that we might enjoy figuring out for ourselves. For example, I didn’t think we needed “when the realization struck”. We knew she’d realized it was her husband, so there was no need to tell us. Similarly, you told us what she did or didn’t notice as the lights flickered, the temperature dropped, and the smell of burning slithered through the air. I would simply show these things happening, and let us see from her reactions and behavior whether she noticed them.
Liked: The details of the haunting excellently increase in strangeness and intensity so that there is a build-up of tension and suspense as the narrative progresses. For example, how the first indications of paranormal activity go unnoticed by Auden, and then the second are dismissed because she “thought better of her reader’s imagination”, only to arrive at the stunning final development in the blown-up photos that capture the very moment on her date the night previous Auden was reminiscing about. The “scribbled message made with too much ink” she discovers becomes chilling in its bold capitals: “YOU FORGOT ME. FOR HIM?” This accusation not only creates a jarring and tense juxtaposition to the opening’s expression of her budding joy, it also segues into the depths of her emotions with the lines, “She thought about him daily…until she didn’t. To go on a date last night? She’d never forgive herself.”
Disliked: One possible option for revision might be to increase either the stakes and/or the terror for Auden, which could also potentially be tied together in interesting ways. Perhaps, as an example, Auden has been feeling lonely and depressed, and needed some joy and juice in her life which is why she went on a date. The reference to her sore cheeks suggests she’d laughed a lot the night before, though it could also be sexual in nature. Her desire to avoid small talk also underscores her need for emotional sustenance.
Lauren Dee Boskie 