Killer Love at First Sight
Trained assassins aren’t supposed to fall in love with their targets.
Submission to Round 1 of the 2022 Micro-Fiction Story Competition for NYC Midnight. Feedback below.
Trained assassins aren’t supposed to fall in love with their targets. I knew that and hadn’t made a move for the man across the bar because of it. Love, at first sight, felt stupid. I couldn’t be bothered to care for the drink in my hand or the mission I was on. He appeared dangerous and enticing. His shoes were old but not too beat up. His hair was slicked yet one strand fell flat. His arms were buff, and I knew it was from more than a few gym workouts. His traits called to my primal senses; senses I should’ve been blocking out.
His voice sounded smoother compared to the recordings I heard at the agency. He spoke to the blonde bombshell beside him as he said, “As fun as I’ve had, I think you should leave.” Her shocked look was as stark as my confusion. “I know why you are here,” The man grumbled to no one in particular while the girl he dissed stumbled from the bar stool. He moved from his clean seat to my rust-covered corner booth. He sat down without a word.
“Can I help you?” I hissed. My nerves were climbing to new heights. He was exactly my type.
“I’d like to know why such a pretty girl is following me. Assuming you won’t say, I’ll buy a drink for you and hope my buttering up works.” I rolled my eyes; I butter my toast better than his attempt to flirt with me.
He pointed at my black jacket and aimed his finger at the knife escaping from my breast pocket. I felt stunned by my lack of focus. His stone-cold expression faltered when he whispered, “I don’t want to kill you either.”
Liked: I liked the idea of assassins who love so much they are unable to hit their targets. I liked the detail of the knife sticking out of the pocket of the black jacket.
Disliked: Since we know this assassin is going against her training, it would be great to get more detail about why she loves this man, rather than just his superficial attractiveness. There a lot of vague expressions and language that borders on cliché, so try include details that are specific to these characters in this situation. Her reaction of rolling her eyes seems strange given that she has just said he was exactly her type.
Liked: The writer does a great job in establishing the setting of the story. The story features a good hook often seen in movies of an assassin developing feelings for their mark. The mood and tone is consistent throughout the story.
Disliked: What are the details of this job? Why is this guy targeted as her next target? There needs to be some compelling reason that she hesitates in killing him as she is a trained and seemingly, proficient assassin. If there’s something more than looks, something that connects the two of them from the past in some way- then we are able to buy that she doesn’t go through with the job.
Lauren Dee Boskie 