A Babe to Save
Violet Jessop, a young stewardess aboard the Titanic, finds herself in a peculiar position as she attempts to survive the unthinkable.
Submission to Round 1 of the 2022 Rhyming Story Competition for NYC Midnight. Feedback below.
The shudders bellowed in her cabin room,
Violet Jessop could nearly feel her doom.
She laid down and shut her eyes,
Awoken at ten till midnight by another stewardess’s cries.
It was the fourteenth of April when screams echoed deck to deck,
Her uniform was tied tight as she went to check.
Minutes stretched into moments as the hall became a flume,
She felt her heart tug when a lady ran by holding her womb.
Over ten-thousand lightbulbs on board and she could no longer see above the hoard,
People wept for their adored as the band played a final chord.
When the chilled water roared its final battle,
The ocean called in its two-thousand two-hundred and twenty-three cattle.
With lifeboats for few and jackets for less,
She found herself knotting up her dress.
Violet Jessop planned to survive without a sword,
The ship trembled as it sunk, staking claim to names like a warlord.
Her life was tested once before,
And to her delight, the RMS Olympic had minimal gore.
The deck was a slippery slope as she made it to the lifeboats,
Knowing the drill, she first helped the women wearing fancy coats.
She trusted transatlantic ships beyond choice,
After her mom died, her siblings left her without a voice.
An officer with a babe in his hands told her, “I hope you find shore.”
He ushered her onto the last lowering floor, away from the uproar.
Violet Jessop watched from the waves as the ship went dark,
The babe in her shivering hands screeched as if there were a shark.
She counted decks as they shrunk in size,
The trusted ship was no longer an unsinkable prize.
Harmonized screams cut through the frozen air,
But nothing could be done for them apart from prayer.
With no journey left to embark,
The Titanic had made its final mark.
As a chair floated by with a passenger frozen to its side,
She hoped the lady had died mostly cockeyed.
It wasn’t much later when horns blasted and whistles blew,
She witnessed rescuers help two-hundred and twelve of her crew.
Violet Jessop tried and failed to pry her mind off those killed,
If only human beings had been born gilled.
The babe in her hands was a product of parents who died,
With no other options, she chose to believe in her guide.
When the time fell away and shore was there to stay, she felt a sudden panic,
For the babe in her arms was taken by a man speaking Germanic.
The crowd of people hurrying in on survivors pushed as they passed,
And as they shoved and prodded, she was grateful for her low-level caste.
Her stomach rumbled as she thanked her strong soul,
There would be no hot meals until she found a new bankroll.
Feeling inspired, she gathered her bearings and ate a dirty bannock,
It wouldn’t be long before Violet Jessop returned for work on the faithful Britannic.
Liked: The author has vividly painted the scenes by mentioning the sights and sounds of the event. They have considered how Violet would not only physically feel but would emotionally feel too. This brings the character to life and helps the reader really picture the scene. There is a clear progression of events for the reader to follow, making this obviously a story. The writer has clearly planned their plotline with this in mind, creating a piece with a bold sequence.
Disliked: In the lines “Over ten-thousand lightbulb’s on board and she could no longer see above the hoard, People wept for their adored as the band played a final chord.”, the sudden addition of an extra rhyme mid-sentence makes these differ from the rest of the rhyming couplets and may throw the reader a little. In order to help the reader keep rhythm, try to avoid a sudden change in rhyme scheme if it is not going to be repeated as a feature in the piece.
Liked: I liked the strong main character created by the writer. Violet may have been “left….without a voice” by her siblings, but she’s brave and scrappy, which makes the reader root for her. I also liked the way the writer describes the scene of that fateful night on the Titanic. The reader’s held in suspense until the end wondering if Violet and the babe will make it (phew!).
Disliked: The writer needs to work on tightening up the rhythmic pattern. As shown in the first stanza, some lines are short and in sync, while others are long and in sync. Then there are lines that are a mix. Consistency and uniformity in the length of the lines would make the story stronger.
Liked: I loved the detail you provided when describing how the Titanic meeting its end looks to Violet. There are some wonderfully eerie specifics within this narrative (ex: “As a chair floated by with a passenger frozen to its side”). I also found that the inclusion of the baby added extra tension.
Disliked: I would’ve loved to have gotten a little more of a sense of Violet’s character. You do provide some backstory in the stanza that begins with “Her life was tested once before” but I do think this section could be expanded. What should the reader know about her actual personality besides the fact that she’s brave and resourceful?
Lauren Dee Boskie 